My addiction

Peace. Serenity. Grief. I am feeling all this. Sex addiction is a baffling, cunning disease. And I battle it everyday. I resisted the temptation of acting out last night. It was right in my face. And 8 months, heck even 2 months ago I don't think I would've been able to resist. He was persistent, and over a year ago the roles were reversed and I was the one pursuing him. Do I need to finish what I tried to start? No. That is a lie that I have believed since I was 15 and took advantage of by a guy friend. I am in charge of my body. I have a right to do with it what I want and keeping it as a temple of the holy spirit is imperative to me. I am more proud of myself for not giving in than I can even explain. But now I'm feeling a heaviness. Maybe even a wish that I would've given in. To get that hit. But I can get filled by working my outer circle. Blogging, calling women in program, and praying. I know that this is what I need to do and that saying no it will only get better.

One Headlight

Driving to my house one night, I noticed a car coming my way with a headlight out. It reminded me of the game my friends and I played in high school. Anytime one of us saw a car with one headlight out we would have to hit the roof as fast as we could. This would entertain us and sometimes scare the crap out of us as well. One my friends that I would play with was my dear friend Amanda that I lost in a car accident almost a year ago. So from  that night on I started noticing the cars that would pass me. Every time I would drive I would notice at least 2-3 cars with out a headlight. I was telling a friend about this, that the signs that I would receive from Amanda have been changing and that this was the latest one. As soon as I was done telling the story, she gasped saying that a commercial just came on with the song "One Headlight" by the Wallflowers. "Amanda is saying hi!" is what came out of my friend's mouth. I totally believe it too. I know that she sends me these signs, and though they make me feel great they will never take the pain away of her absence. The pain that I feel when I can't call her, or realize she will not be in my wedding. The first anniversary  of her death is right around the corner. While I continue to miss her every day, this specific day has been haunting me for the past month or so. As I realized this was happening I planned a relaxing weekend for myself, spending time with those who also miss her. Now I am looking forward to it. I am looking forward to celebrating her life, even though it was cut too short. So on March 9th in her honor, call that friend you haven't talked to or grab dinner with your bestie. We all have those girlfriends in our life that can never be replaced!

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself."

Let it go

As winter and holidays approach I can't help but think of the movie, "Frozen" and how the popular song relates to my life. Why is it so hard to let go of something, a relationship in particular, when you know that it isn't good for you?  It's even harder as the holidays approach. I love Steve Harvey's anecdote about the old car in the driveway. The car that barely runs, that is harmful to the environment and is taking up space. We have the ability to get a new car but no room for it when the old one is still hanging around. What value does it have to us now that it isn't functioning? The memories are still there. The pain of feeling of being the abandoner can creep up. Especially for those who have been abandoned in the past. As I was working on an inventory of my past relationships I saw that I have always been left. I didn't have to do the dirty work of ending relationships, the other person usually did it for me. So ending a relationship that is not good for me feels like I am abandoning that person. My raging codependency rears its ugly head, putting the need of another before myself where in this case I shouldn't. I think part of it is also that the old car is what I deserve. I don't deserve a shiny brand new car; one that has all the things I want and need. Where did that belief come from? Why do I think that I don't deserve the best life has to offer me in cars as well as relationships? I am still not sure. After selling myself short for many years, the more I tell myself I deserve it the more I begin to believe it. I deserve the expensive shoes, I deserve the brand new car. I deserve the expensive sushi. I also deserving a loving relationship.

Anxiety sucks

Over 25 million Americans suffer from anxiety and panic Disorder and I happen to be one of them. Today I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I have ever experienced. One to the point that my body Decided to shut down on me causing dizziness, nausea, rapid breathing, elevated heart rate and tremors. Anxiety is something that doesn't only effect your mind out effects your whole body. It's something that you can't just control by not thinking about things that bother you. After having this episode at work in front of many co-workers and students. It's embarrassing especially when the ambulance is called. But I have to remember that this is something I can't control. I need till take care of myself the best I can a moment at a time.

Missing My Friend

Missing my Friend

I have been wanting to write about the loss of my friend, Amanda but putting my deep feelings into words has not been as easy as I had imagined. When I was reunited with Amanda in 9th grade, (1997) to be exact I had no idea that she was put in to my life specifically by God. I did not know a soul at my new school, so seeing her in my first period class was a blessing. Needless to say we became close quick. Amanda was a natural born leader, guiding those around her and making them the people they were born to be. I know she did that for me. She helped me find the outgoing person that lived deep inside of me hiding behind the shy and naive exterior I had built up. Amanda was a great friend at 15 and at 31. I remember getting balloons sent to me from the class store on my 15th birthday. On my 30th birthday she helped me host a housewarming/birthday bash and bought me a cute tub full of useful stuff for the house. Those are only a couple of the examples of the 17 birthdays we shared together. We were less than month apart, Amanda getting to experience all the fun things of growing up a month before I did.  Amanda first became a mother at the young age of 22. But she was a mother way beyond her young years. Her son has grown up to be an outstanding young man, everything she would want him to be. She married her son's father in 2012 and the two of them welcomed a daughter in to their beautiful family. She has Amanda's personality and sweet spirit. Amanda was taken from us on March 9, 2014 in a tragic car accident. My life hasn't quite been the same. My heart physically hurts. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. There are times I feel like it is all a dream and that she will call me in the next few minutes. There are also times that I realize that she is not here any longer and my eyes fill up with tears. There are songs I can't listen to, others I can dance around my room to like a crazy person. I talk about her a lot to people who knew her and others that didn't. I get that terrible gut feeling every time I have to tell someone that she passed. I am afraid I am going to forget what it felt like to hug her or merely be in her presence. Afraid I'll forget her laugh or how she always responded with, "Hey Girl!" When I answered the phone. As her husband has said, I just want her back. I would give anything to have her back even for a minute. I have read articles and books on grief but you truly can't understand it until you go through it. I have realized that there are people who love me dearly that don't understand me, and I have accepted that. I would not wish this hurt on my anyone, even my worst enemy. Her passing has given me a new outlook on life. I have started Graduate school, changed jobs, and become a better friend. I have built a better relationship with my Lord and Savior as well as many people that were special to her including her Husband, Children, Aunt, Cousin, and friends and other family I wasn't quite close to. As she would've wanted it, her death has brought many people closer, reminded high school girlfriends to text, call and get together as much as possible, and has people telling the ones they love how much they love them. My favorite dreams are the ones where she visits me. I don't want to wake up from them. She sends me signs and I smile every time I see a butterfly. I know Amanda is in Heaven looking down and watching out for all of us. I believe this about those who believe more than ever. Fly with the angels my dear, until we meet again.

Pinterest craft

Wearing my t-shirt scarf I made! So proud!

Green smoothie

After my work out this is my favorite treat... Flax seed, spinach, frozen bananas, almond milk, protein powder, and peanut butter. :-)