As winter and holidays approach I can't help but think of the movie, "Frozen" and how the popular song relates to my life. Why is it so hard to let go of something, a relationship in particular, when you know that it isn't good for you? It's even harder as the holidays approach. I love Steve Harvey's anecdote about the old car in the driveway. The car that barely runs, that is harmful to the environment and is taking up space. We have the ability to get a new car but no room for it when the old one is still hanging around. What value does it have to us now that it isn't functioning? The memories are still there. The pain of feeling of being the abandoner can creep up. Especially for those who have been abandoned in the past. As I was working on an inventory of my past relationships I saw that I have always been left. I didn't have to do the dirty work of ending relationships, the other person usually did it for me. So ending a relationship that is not good for me feels like I am abandoning that person. My raging codependency rears its ugly head, putting the need of another before myself where in this case I shouldn't. I think part of it is also that the old car is what I deserve. I don't deserve a shiny brand new car; one that has all the things I want and need. Where did that belief come from? Why do I think that I don't deserve the best life has to offer me in cars as well as relationships? I am still not sure. After selling myself short for many years, the more I tell myself I deserve it the more I begin to believe it. I deserve the expensive shoes, I deserve the brand new car. I deserve the expensive sushi. I also deserving a loving relationship.
