Missing my Friend
I have been wanting to write about the loss of my friend, Amanda but putting my deep feelings into words has not been as easy as I had imagined. When I was reunited with Amanda in 9th grade, (1997) to be exact I had no idea that she was put in to my life specifically by God. I did not know a soul at my new school, so seeing her in my first period class was a blessing. Needless to say we became close quick. Amanda was a natural born leader, guiding those around her and making them the people they were born to be. I know she did that for me. She helped me find the outgoing person that lived deep inside of me hiding behind the shy and naive exterior I had built up. Amanda was a great friend at 15 and at 31. I remember getting balloons sent to me from the class store on my 15th birthday. On my 30th birthday she helped me host a housewarming/birthday bash and bought me a cute tub full of useful stuff for the house. Those are only a couple of the examples of the 17 birthdays we shared together. We were less than month apart, Amanda getting to experience all the fun things of growing up a month before I did. Amanda first became a mother at the young age of 22. But she was a mother way beyond her young years. Her son has grown up to be an outstanding young man, everything she would want him to be. She married her son's father in 2012 and the two of them welcomed a daughter in to their beautiful family. She has Amanda's personality and sweet spirit. Amanda was taken from us on March 9, 2014 in a tragic car accident. My life hasn't quite been the same. My heart physically hurts. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. There are times I feel like it is all a dream and that she will call me in the next few minutes. There are also times that I realize that she is not here any longer and my eyes fill up with tears. There are songs I can't listen to, others I can dance around my room to like a crazy person. I talk about her a lot to people who knew her and others that didn't. I get that terrible gut feeling every time I have to tell someone that she passed. I am afraid I am going to forget what it felt like to hug her or merely be in her presence. Afraid I'll forget her laugh or how she always responded with, "Hey Girl!" When I answered the phone. As her husband has said, I just want her back. I would give anything to have her back even for a minute. I have read articles and books on grief but you truly can't understand it until you go through it. I have realized that there are people who love me dearly that don't understand me, and I have accepted that. I would not wish this hurt on my anyone, even my worst enemy. Her passing has given me a new outlook on life. I have started Graduate school, changed jobs, and become a better friend. I have built a better relationship with my Lord and Savior as well as many people that were special to her including her Husband, Children, Aunt, Cousin, and friends and other family I wasn't quite close to. As she would've wanted it, her death has brought many people closer, reminded high school girlfriends to text, call and get together as much as possible, and has people telling the ones they love how much they love them. My favorite dreams are the ones where she visits me. I don't want to wake up from them. She sends me signs and I smile every time I see a butterfly. I know Amanda is in Heaven looking down and watching out for all of us. I believe this about those who believe more than ever. Fly with the angels my dear, until we meet again.
